her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
