Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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