so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We have so much sex to catch up on
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
