Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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