Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
