I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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