just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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