tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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