make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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