Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
