It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
