I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
