we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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