My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
