drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
