You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
