So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
