i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she peed on how many people?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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