I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
