Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
