I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I didn't notice because vodka
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
