I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
