The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
