...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
