What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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