Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
