i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
