Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
