i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
