I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
