Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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