Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
