The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
