If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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