Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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