Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
