I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
