things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Are my feet made of real feet?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
