I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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