Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
