Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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