last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
