not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
