Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
