my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
God, I missed his penis.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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