if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
