I just saw a hot homeless man
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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