I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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