dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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