I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
